Nice use of the pic

1. Nice use of the pic

Husband: Every day you put my pic into the bag, and bring it to your office, what's the reason?

Wife: Whenever I face some problem, no matter how big it is, as long as I look at your pic, I'll get power to solve it...

Husband gets proud and says: Look, for you I'm so important!

Wife: Yes... Every time I look at your pic, I'm always saying to myself: "Is there any problem more difficult than this guy?

2. Idenficiation

One man goes to the bank, to cash out the cheque...

One clerk tells him: "Ok, but we need to make sure about your identification..."

The man looks at the mirror and nods, then says: "Correct, this is me."

3. Swallowing crystal ball

There are two little boys sitting in front of the clinic...

"Hi babies, what's wrong with you?" Asks the nurse...

"I've swallowed a crystal ball."

"And you?" the nurse asks the other one...

"The crystal ball belongs to me."

4. The best vaccum cleaner

Husband brings a vaccum cleaner back home, and says to his wife excitedly: " I've bought you the best vaccum cleaner!"

Then he takes out all the rubbish, cigarette ash, etc., and put them all on the guest hall ground...

The wife gets very much angry, but the husband says very proudly: "All these dusts would be gone away with nothing left, otherwise I would eat them up."

The wife says angrily: "Seems you have to eat them all..."

The husband answers firmly: "Absolutely not!"

The wife says: "Yes you will, coz there's no electricity today."

Time

1. Time

In a maths class, the teacher's asking the students: "Anyone could give us a question about time?"

As soon as she finishes the words, a student raises his hand ans stands up, saying: "Teacher, when will we go home?"

2. I taught the teacher

The son goes to school for the first day... After he comes back home, his mother asks: "Baby, what did the teacher teach you today?"

The son says: "He didn't teach me anything, instead of that he asks me a question: '1 plus 2 equals to what?', I taught him: 'equals to 3."

3. He's seeing her off

Husband goes to the airport to receive the wife...

Wife: "Why you look so upset? Look at the couple over there, talking and laughing, seem to be so happy."

Husband: "He's coming to see her off..."

4. You wanna have a try?

One patient is not so satisfied with the room he's staying in the hospital... The doctor says: "I really don't understand, why you wanna change to another room? You know, the one staying with you is a good roommate, who can tell lots of jokes..." The patient interrupts him and says: "Well you are quite right! Then do you wanna try to have an operation of cutting appendix, and come here, hold your wound and keep laughing all day long..."

Reward

1. Reward

Wife buys a brand new sweeper (for sweeping the floor) and brings back home... She says to her husband: "It's your birthday today, I especially bought you one of the best sweepers, to be a reward as the iron (for ironing the clothes) you bought for me at my birthday."

2. Lady buying painting

A lady goes to a painting house to buy some painting arts, she looks through again and again, finally selects one, in which there are a bunch of flowers, a piece of sausage, and a bread round.

The lady asks: "How much does this painting cost?"

"50 dollar, this is really the cheapest price."

"But, two days ago I saw another painting, almost same as this one, was just sold for 25 dollar."

"Then it must have not been painted as good as this one." the seller answers as an expert.

"No, I feel it's even better than this one."

"Why?"

"The plate in that painting, has much more sausage than this one."

3. Waiting till 3 o'clock

It's already late at night, husband's just back home... "Where did you go again?" Says the wife in a very loud voice, and opens the light at the same time, "To wait for your coming back, I've been reading newspaper till 3 o'clock in the morning."

"Me... me too... I was afraid if I got abused by you again, for coming back home late, so I wandered in the street till 3 o'clock in the morning." says the husband...

4. Brave action

Boy J bravely walks across the thin ice, saves up his friend, and becomes a hero among the students...

"You've saved your friend at so dangerous situation!"

"No way, " says J, "he's wearing my newly bought skates!"

5. Miracle

The teacher's explaing the word "miracle" for the students, she gives an example: "One guy falls down from 8th floor, no injury happens at all", he's hoping the student answers "miracle".

One student says: "Fortunate".

The teacher's little bit disappointed, then says: "The guy again goes to 7th floor, falls down again, still no injury."

Another student answers: "By accident."

The teacher's bit angry now, and says: "The guy goes to 8th floor all over again, and falls down..."

Before the teacher ends up his words, there's a student answers: "He's already got used to."

Manual car

1. Manual car

Mother says their neighbor upstairs, has just bought a new car, the sons asks: "Is it automatic or manual?"

The mother thinks a little bit while, then answers: "Maybe it's manual, coz in the front there's a steering wheel..."

2. Abstracted

The wife's always careless, and abstracted whenever she's doing anything...

One day, she needs to give her husband's a hair cut, the husband is bit worried about her carelessness, she tries to comfort him, "Don't worry, I'll do it very seriously."

The husband takes a magazine and starts reading, and meanwhile he lets his wife cut the hair... When he wants to turn no another page of the magazine, the wife says: "Hey don't move, I didn't finish reading this page!"

3. Buying medicine

Turtle's ill, it asks snails to go and buy some medicine... Two hours are already gone, the snail still hasn't come back... The turtle's angry and says: "If you still don't come back I would die!" Then there's a voice coming from the door, "If you keep saying like this I'll not go!"

4. Stepping on the foot

In the theatre, the show's on...

One of the audience stands up and walks to the resting room, through the row... After couple of minutes, he comes back, and asks the man sitting at first seat of the row: "Excuse me, did I step on your foot a little bit while ago?"

"Yes," the man answers, "but it's ok, already no more pain now."

"Ohh no, I don't mean this, I just wanna confirm that my seat is in this row..."

5. Good news and bad news

Doctor: Let me tell you a bad news and a good news.

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: We need to cut both of your feet.

Patient: Then what's the good news:

Doctor: The patient staying next to your room wanna buy all your shoes.

Understanding

1. Undertanding.

The father's helping the son to review the lesson he's learned in class, the mother's cleaning the house around them... The father says: "You must try to understand the lesson first, then you'll be able to memorize it..."

The mother says immediately, " That's why you always forget about my words, actually you never understand me..."

2. Buying shoes.

One time husband and wife are walking outside after dinner... At some market, the wife sees a pair of shoes, asks the seller to let her try them...

The husband says to the seller: "No need to give them for her to try, she won't buy."

Wife says very angrily: "How you know I won't buy them?"

The husband says: " While coming out, you didn't bring the money at all, how can you buy?"

After that the wife has no talk to the husband for two weeks...

3. Emphasis.

At night the daughter asks her mother, to buy her some tomatoes while going to the market for shopping in coming morning...

In order not to get her forget about the tomatoes, the daughter emphasizes two times, the mother becomes impatient, says "Ok ok, I know it already, don't you feel bored?"

As a result, the other day, she buys a watermelon and puts it into the refrigerator...

(Note: tomato in Chinese is "xi hong shi", and watermelon in Chinese is "xi gua", somehow similar to each other)

4. Shopping.

The mother's biggest hobby is shopping...

One time the daughter asks her: "What is the most interesting thing in the world?"

Mother says: "Shopping."

"What's the saddest thing in the world?"

"Shopping when there's no money in wallet."

"What's the happiest thing in the world?"

"Money available for shopping, but not buying anything!"

You know too much!

1. You know too much!

One mental patient finds a gun somewhere, and he's walking on a small road, meets a young man on the way... Then mental person approaches the guy all in a sudden, makes him falling down to the ground, puts the gun on his head, asks him: "1 plus 1 equals to what?" The guy gets scared too much, thinks over and over, then answers: "It's 2"... The mental person shoots him to death, without any hesitation... Then he puts the gun back into pocket, and coldly says: "You know too much!"

2. Whom do you love more?

Father asks son: "Whom do you love more? Dad or Mom?"
Son: "Both."
Father: "If I go to America, and Mom goes to Paris, where will you go?"
Son: "I'll go to Paris."
Father: "Why?"
Son: "Coz Paris is beautiful."
Father: "Then what if I go to Paris, and Mom goes to America?"
Son: "Then of course I'll go to America."
Father becomes little bit upset, and says: "Why still going with Mom?"
Son: "Coz I've just been to Paris."

3. New soldier

A new soldier is sitting on a trolley car, when it reaches to a station, a senior captain gets on, the new soldier suddenly stands up...

"Sit down." Says the senior captain, then finds a seat in front of the soldier and sits down...

When the trolley car reaches to the next station, the soldier stands up again, and salutes the captain...

The captain waves his hand and says: "Sit down, sit down."

The car goes on and comes to another station, the soldier stands up once again...

The captain becomes impatient, says again: " You just sit down."

The soldier's face turns to red, carefully says in lower voice: "Sorry, Sir senior captain, I've passed three more stations already."

3. Which hand is with more?

The son is 3 years old, and already able to count number 1 to 10, also knows that 5 is bigger than 1, his father still likes to teach him number frequently...

One day, the father holds on piece of chocolate in left hand, and 2 pieces in right hand, asks the son: "Which side has more?"

The son isn't answering at all... The father asks once again with patience, then the son starts crying: "Both of them are less!"

Super question and answer

1. Teacher: Why you can't answer my question in the class?
Student: Coz I'm afraid...
Teacher: What are you afraid of?
Student: Afraid of the sweet inside my mouth coming out...

2. Wife: Last night I had a dream, in which I saw you agreed to give me 200USD for buying clothes, ohh dear, will you make my dream come true?
Husband: Sure, actually it's really opportune, last night I also had a dream, about giving you the 200USD already...

3. Husband: Dear this time of your business trip, really made me missing you crazily!
Wife: Wow, I just have been out for 4 days though...
Husband: But, all 4 days I've been searching for key of the money box, till now haven't found yet!

4. Which one is more stupid?
Bear: Guess how many pieces of sweet are in my pocket?
Cattle: If I guess correctly will you give them to me to eat?
Bear: Yeah, if you are correct I'll give you both of them...
Cattle: Five pieces!